small modern living blog - sacred spaces
Two bright lights hung in the industrial warehouse, hovering over children playing with toy trains - weathered steam trains, fast diesels, and coach cars galore. Today my son was darting from table to table at the train museum, trying to find a private place to play and forcefully asking other kids to “leave me alone” when they approached. The glances between parents started. That was my cue - I kindly started smiling at the other parents and telling them my child is still learning how to share and hasn’t quite moved from the parallel play age, (so please have some understanding and try to leave my son alone so this doesn’t end in a complete meltdown that will take an hour for my son to recover from). Another child’s father seemed to scoff and look away - silence. I quietly play with my son, trying to coach him. My anxiety is rising hoping against all odds that this experience will remain positive and facilitate new learning and skill development.
A peer comes over with his dad, (yup, the same one that has been giving us looks the entire time). They both start taking trains away from my son (who didn’t even have that many and never took any trains away from this child) and he begins screaming and crying. The father looks unphased and mocks “How unfortunate for you.” I quickly swept my son away before the throwing of trains would begin and attempted to calm him down. Luckily my husband was there and able to assist. I did go back to the train table area and addressed the parents there, explaining that my son is not a “bad child.” He is a wonderful child who needs to develop skills. I encouraged them to be kinder, especially around a child who is struggling. As I walked away, I felt tears streaming down my hot cheeks.
These past two and a half years have been some of the most challenging and incredibly isolating years of my life. I took a break in my career to help care for my son. Being a parent and a full time stay at home mom to a child with special needs is a privilege that offers great challenges and great rewards.
I am constantly playing a game of 20 questions during playdates - parents trying to formulize their own hypothesis as to why my child has behvaior dysregulation. I cannot count the number of times people have thrown the word “autism” at me (individuals with zero expertise telling a therapist they think her son has a clinical disorder, umm ok). Parents make passive-aggressive comments and hold my parenting under a microscope, (not my husband’s but always mine). Sometimes they even step in and take over when I am talking with my son. (I do it like this with my kids and you should too because my kids are well-behaved, see. You just need to be more positive, make it into a game). I am thrilled that people can watch some Instagram reels and learn about positive psychology, but that does not make someone an expert in childhood development, especially when it may not be following a normal trajectory. (And then the judgement of saying your child’s behaviors are abnormal - parents cannot believe I could be so cruel to pathologize my son at such an early age).
When you are a therapist, you understand there are no easy answers to complex behaviors in our social environments. For people who are black and white thinkers, not having an immediate solution to a multifacieed problem is distressing. The realms of mental health, neurodevelopmental disorders, and all human behavior and how they manifest and interact with their larger environment is an intricate puzzle that takes time to assess and understand. We have a good idea of what is happening with our son. We have a group of specialists who are providing care and recommendations. We have been doing our own journal keeping, assessment, and interventions.
What parents with neurodiverse children need from family, friends, and larger community is a non-judgmental approach, affirming messages, and support. If you feel the need to give advice without a parent specifically asking for it, please do so with care (“As you were talking I thought of something that was helpful for one of my friends and wanted to see if you think it might be helpful or not). I recently had a friend send me some information on a podcast she thought I would identify with given what I had shared with her. She shared this resource with kindness and love, which was felt and I appreciated it. A neighbor reached out with information on an educational/support group focused on neurodiversity. (It was their approach I appreciated so I could take in the advice).
There are biological/social/psychological/genetic components to behavior. If your child is “well behaved,” yes, celebrate your outstanding parenting but please do not let that empower you to believe that is the only factor in forming your child’s wellbeing. If you see your neighbor being short with her children, please do not rush to judgement. You don’t see the 95% of the time this mother is calm, loving, and patient. You don’t see the “developmental repair” happening behind the scenes to apologize and explain the mother’s frustration and how she didn’t handle it in the best way. You were not there when the mother lovingly spent 25 minutes helping her son try on different shoes, boots, and socks until he found the one that “fit right,” even though the morning rush loomed. (Please resist the urge to educate me on sensory disorders after sharing that story). You did not see the bite marks and bruises all over the mother’s arms from her son trying to self-regulate and only being able to do it by hitting and biting his mother. You were not present when the mother was holding back tears trying to help her son get dressed after he spit in her face, for the second time that morning. Yes, perhaps she was a little short with her son on the way out to the car. (The mother is also working on her self-regulation skills and is doing a great job 95% of the time, good job mom)!
If you feel the need to criticize a mother for being a “helicopter parent,” perhaps consider that mother has spent weeks in intensive care units with her son, has walked in on him having seizures, which might explain her desire to stay physically close to her child. There are many psychosocial issues that influence parenting. One of my dear friends is more of a free-range parent. We are both open-minded and talk freely about our parenting, as the other approaches questions with curiosity and love, neither of us believing we are superior. We constantly hold space and empathy for each other. This is one of the few “safe spaces” I have in my life and I cherish it dearly. Often parents will isolate themselves because of the stigma and shame that is inherent to these situations. Some friends think they are being helpful by downplaying the behavior issues, educating you as the parent and saying your child is just going through a normal phase. Well intentioned, but again, a few snapshots in a child’s life do not give you the expertise or authority to educate another parent as to what is “normal” with their child). I have always tried to look at these situations with understanding, thinking and hoping the person is trying to be helpful but but seeing and feeling how harmful their words can be. Its times like these living up North in our tiny house in the woods seems appealing. Only the poplar trees and puffy Spring clouds to judge us there.
One of my favorite quotes is from Maya Angelou, “People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Let us uplift each other - friends, family, neighbors, and even strangers. Parenting is a sacred space and deserves to be handled with the upmost care and love. We are on this parenthood journey together. The next time you start judging a stranger or someone you know - maybe offer them a smile instead. Their life is akin to an iceberg, a mere tiny top protruding from the sea - beneath the water is all the life you cannot see.